"Halt! None shall pass these castle, uh, teeth…”
Strong Sad, clad in the same rebellion attire as Sploodge, (though, clearly lacking the same anarchist faith), guards the front of the castle. His hood casts over his forehead and hides his eyes with a shadow. Instead of bearing any useful weapons that would be required of a gatekeeper, he holds a large stick that looks like it was found on the ground somewhere.
“Strong Sad?” Strong Bad says in disbelief. “You’re working for Marzipan?” When he says it out loud it sounds a lot less surprising.
Strong Sad lifts the hood of his cape to get a better look at what he sees before him. “Wait, Strong Bad?” His eyes dart between the two. “But you’re… and….”
Sploodge waves his hand, such as it is, dismissively. “Past self. Time traveling. Whole thing.”
“You mean this is you from the past?! Strong Bad, don’t you know the effect this will have on the space time continuum?! Our whole existence could cease to exist as we know it if-”
“Relax, Dorkowski!” says Sploodge. “I’ve got it under control! I just need a new time machine.” He holds out his glove expectantly as if Strong Sad had already had a spare prepared. After an awkward amount of silence he realizes that is not the case and he shyly lowers his arm back to his side.
“What happened to the one I gave you?” Strong Sad asks, arms judgmentally akimbo.
“Butter gloves here broke it.” Sploodge glares at Strong Bad.
“Hey!” Strong Bad shouts defensively.
At this, Strong Sad sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I could whip up another one. But it won't be easy! That last one took me a week to finish!”
“Can't you make one sooner?” Sploodge whines.
“What do you even need it for?”
“To take down Marzipan,” both Strong Bads say simultaneously.
Clutching his heart, Strong Sad nearly passes out where he stands from pure shock. “What?! Why would you ever want to do that?! I don't think I’ve ever been happier since she became our new ruler!”
“Exactly!” the Strong Bads say at the same time again. “That’s why we-” They stop and share an annoyed stare.
“Marzipan is the greatest ruler ever! I can't let you stop her!” Strong Sad shouts to the door, “Guard!”
The teeth rise, revealing a large shadowed figure. A massive boot steps out and the ground shakes, another boot… Strong Bad’s nearly shivering where he stands until he realizes it’s–
“GUARD! GUARD! GUARD!”
“Et tu, Strong Mad?!” Strong Bad shouts, falling to his knees and waving a fist in the air.
Strong Mad stops. He blinks twice. He looks at Strong Bad and then Strong Bad. Strong Bad. Strong Bad. Strong Bad… Strong Bad?
“...Dah? …Two Strong Bads?” he curiously mutters.
“Take these traitors to the queen at once!” Strong Sad orders.
Strong Mad blinks a couple more times before shrugging off the confusion. “GUARD!” He swoops the renegades up into his arms and heads back inside.
“Oh great,” Sploodge says sarcastically. “Bring the guy who's been trying to kill the queen straight to her. Yeah. Genius plan, you guys.”
“You what?!” Strong Bad exclaims.
“Hey, don't judge me! You were gonna kill The Of Town!”
“Touché.”
The halls of the castle are somehow much more unsettling than they were before. It used to just smell like cottage cheese and crushed hopes and dreams over soft serve. Now it smells like flowery hippie love petals and teen spirit. It was enough to make either Strong Bad’s cast iron stomach vomit. Though, a well appreciated improvement is the topiaries replacing the heaping piles of crap. One topiary looks suspiciously trimmed into the shape of a large headed, boxing-gloved, handsome somebody he knows…
They're finally taken into a dark room and thrown into wooden chairs. They’re tied up with rope and bounded to the backs of the chairs. Strong Mad grabs both Strong Bads by their heads and swivels them around. And with the announcing blow of The Hornblower’s horn, the lights turn on and they find themselves at the base of Marzipan’s throne.
It’s nothing like the king’s old throne. It’s big. Huge even. Never before did Strong Bad know paper maché could look so… looming. Sitting atop her royal throne is the queen herself- dress curled over the edge of her seat and a large staff with a peace sign insignia wrapped firmly in her grip. Admittedly, it was a little hot.
“Hi Strong Bad!” she cheerfully greets. “And, uh, Strong Bad…”
“Hey, Marzipan,” says Strong Bad. “You’re looking rather… um, domineering.”
“Thanks, I know!" she says "By the way who are you?”
“He’s me from the past!” Sploodge interjects. “Here to put an end to your reign of unwashed hair and flower power!”
She rolls her eyes, like she’s been through this conversation time and time again. She sighs. “You know, I’m someone who believes in fighting all odds. And especially oppressive superior monarchs. But be realistic, Strong Bad. Isn’t stopping me only doing more harm than good? I’m simply trying to better the lives of my people. People like you! So, who’s the real enemy here? Me or you?”
“Stop trying to make me reflect on my actions! I hate you!” Sploodge shouts.
“The feeling is mutual,” she replies. “Strong Bad, be honest with me…”
Strong Bad looks up at her.
“Uh, not you the other one.”
Sploodge looks up at her.
“Be honest with me… If I let you go, are you just going to try and kill me again?”
“...No?”
“Well, tough, because I’m not letting you go anyways.”
“What?!” both Strong Bads shout.
“The people of Marzistar practice peace and kindness. And you are, in every worst possible way, the complete opposite of that. And I just don’t need that kind of negativity in my life right now. Just talking to you is making my imperturbable equilibrium feel considerably perturbed,” the more she talks the more she gets visibly frustrated. “You’re lucky I don’t-“
“Marzipan?” A side door opens and Homestar peeks his head out. “What are you doing?” He steps out holding a carrot and a pair of sunglasses. “You’re late. You said we were going to—”
The objects of vague importance fall from his grasp and to the floor immediately once he notices the two tied up Strong Bads.
“I’m kind of busy right now Homestar,” she says. “I’d appreciate it if you left.”
“What are you doing?” he asks, ignoring her previous sentence entirely and running into the middle of the room to meet Strong Bad and Sploodge.
“I’m busy.”
“Why are there two Strong Bads?” He approaches them closer.
“I said I’m busy, Homestar.”
“Is that your evil twin?” he asks Sploodge. “Or are you the evil twin?” he asks Strong Bad. “This is so sploodge I feel like my mind is going to explode right now! Oh man, I have so many questions!”
“Homestar.”
Homestar looks behind him. Marzipan looks down upon him… literally. (Figuratively in every other sense.)
“Oh right,” he says nervously. “Sorry cakepud. I’ll just…” he scoots off to the side. “Be over here…”
Marzipan takes a deep breath and regains her composure. “As I was saying… If you know what’s good for you you’ll stop trying to change the way things are and just accept me as your new overlord like everyone else. Okay? Now, Strong Mad, would you take these two out of here right now please, thank you.”
Obliged, Strong Mad unties them and hauls them off to a chamber off to the side of the room. They kick around wildly to no avail.
“Where are you going to take them?” Homestar asks with a mouthful of popcorn from the box of popcorn he has now that was definitely established earlier in this scene so no need to go back and check.
“Where I send all of my rogue life blossoms, Homestar…”
“No!” Homestar cries, falling to the feet of Marzipan’s throne. “Anything but that! Please Marzipan, have mercy on them!
“You won't get away with this!” Splooge screams as they're being pulled away through the exit. “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you all!” The large metal doors to the chamber slam shut.
Marzipan rolls her eyes. “Ugh, whatever…”
(Marzipan usually takes a backseat in fanfictions like these. Which sucks because she's, like, one of my favorite characters! She's pretty funny too I think. Her dynamic with Strong Bad has always been a favorite of mine. The Strong Bad hedge doesn't get mentioned again but I threw it in as a little hint to how, even though he's evil, Marzipan still really cares about Strong Bad. That's really her only motive as a "villain" in this story. She just really wants him to not be a jerk anymore.)